Jokes

Funny Jokes

Its your first time. As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed. As he approaches you, he asks if youre afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but its the first time his finger has found the right place. He goes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses, but hes gentle like he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him. Hes done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room, for easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause as little pain as possible. As he presses closer going deeper, you feel the tissue give way. Pain surges through your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if its too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod to go on. He begins going in and out with skill, but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out. You lay panting, glad to have it all over with. He looks at you and smiles warmly and tells you with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn, yet rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty.

What were you thinking?

He's teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once then kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." And as he added smack by smack, in silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation, and both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away and said, "That's long division!

Q : Whats the difference between a brown-noser and a shithead ?

A : Depth Perception

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
1 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand ...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

YOU LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WHEN - -

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive to your neighborhood block party.
6. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

YOU LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN - -

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty.
3. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7 You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

YOU LIVE IN ALASKA WHEN - -

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

YOU LIVE IN THE DEEP SOUTH WHEN - -

1. You get a movie and bait in the same store.
2. "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"
4. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names.

YOU LIVE IN COLORADO WHEN - -
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

YOU LIVE IN THE MIDWEST WHEN - -

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA WHEN - -
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
6. You don't know how to vote